DENVER, CO – Local seamstress Larissa Lopez, who is known for working with unconventional materials, was recently convicted of refurbishing her ex-boyfriend into a quilt, sources confirmed.
Owen French, a UX designer for a new sewing pattern app, is the unlucky man-turned-blanket. The Denver native was last spotted leaving Lopez’s apartment after the breakup, though neighbors claim he is actually trapped in between layers of batting.
Lopez hasn’t bothered denying the reports. “This is the most useful he’s ever been,” she shrugs, wrapping the locally made product around her shoulders. “I mean, it was the perfect opportunity to use organic materials sourced from the area. How inspiring is that? How could I say no?”
For most people, dealing with a breakup is an ongoing process fueled by cheap wine and ice cream. These days, it’s often topped off with a session of “un-friending”, a practice that’s implemented to avoid an ex-partner on social media. Lopez, however, doesn’t see the point.
“By using him in a quilt, he won’t even be able to use social media,” explains Lopez, sipping on the cheap wine she bought anyway. “My warm, blanketed self won’t even have to worry about going down that rabbit hole. It’s a win-win, in my book.”
While handling a breakup is a different experience for each person, local officials urge against Lopez’s approach.
“Her take on the situation may be resourceful, but there are serious consequences involved,” says attorney Marc Allen. “There are many ways to cultivate inspiration that don’t involve taking a needle to your ex-partner.”
Until further notice, shoppers in the market for handmade quilts are warned against buying locally.
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